Stay-at-Home Dad Survival Guide

The last 12 hours in a nutshell

Wednesday, 17 December 2008 16:09

7:15 - 8:00 PM

Go brush your teeth

Stop hitting your brother

Put on your pajamas

Go brush your teeth

Stop hitting your brother

Put on your pajamas

Go brush your teeth

Stop hitting your brother

Put on your pajamas

Go brush your teeth

Stop hitting your brother

Put on your pajamas

Go brush your teeth

Stop hitting your brother

Put on your pajamas

Go brush your teeth

Stop hitting your brother

Put on your pajamas

SLEEP

6:30 - 7:00 AM

Go get dressed

Stop hitting your brother

Eat your breakfast

Go get dressed

Stop hitting your brother

Eat your breakfast

Go get dressed

Stop hitting your brother

Eat your breakfast

Go get dressed

Stop hitting your brother

Eat your breakfast

Go get dressed

Stop hitting your brother

Eat your breakfast

Go get dressed

Stop hitting your brother

Eat your breakfast

7:15 AM

The older one gets on the bus:

"I love you dad!"

"Love you, too."

Sigh

Tip after Last: Do the Big Things

Monday, 15 December 2008 18:27

There's this story:

A professor is lecturing on time management. He's using props. On the table in front of him sits a jar and some big rocks, a few of which he puts in the jar until he can't fit another. "Is there room to fit anything else?"

A murmur of "no's" from the class (we'll say it's an 8 am class at Chico State).

He pulls out some sand and puts it in the jar, "How about now?"

A few more hungover "No's."

He then pulls out a pitcher and pours water until it fills the jar. "Now, it's full. What does this tell us about time management?"

One of the more industrious students says, "It means there's always more time. We can find ways to fit more into our day."

"No," said the professor smugly, "It shows that if you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in. Take care of the important tasks first."

The challenge, of course, is figuring out which are the big things.

I told this story to a group of Hitachi execs at a dinner in Tokyo, back when I did things like talk to Hitachi execs in Tokyo. This division of Hitachi was an investor in the company I was working for, and they were trying to get me to hire their PR agency to represent us in Japan. I had no intention of doing that, but I still had to sit through a four-hour meeting, dinner afterward, and then a trip to a karaoke bar after that. Say it with me, "those were the days."

Now I make Mac n' Cheese for a 7-year-old and a 3-year-old.

Back to that dinner. I told the story and then said my wife was the big rock in my life. (We had been talking about families. I wasn't just blathering sentimentalities). The Hitachi exec trumped me with his brand of cryptic oriental wisdom by saying he and his wife ARE the big rock. His needs and her needs are inseparable.

The quick takeaway: Get a high-paying job so you can hire a maid to clean the house and do the dishes. Also, be astute in figuring out which are the big things.

Tip Next: Do the Little Things

Thursday, 11 December 2008 16:29

In the kitchen, move dirty dishes to the sink. Wash them.

Around the house, pick up dirty clothes and stray toys.

If it takes less than 30 seconds and it's an improvement, do it.

Otherwise, you end up with a big mess in the kitchen and a bigger mess around the house, which all appear to be long, daunting tasks. You'll put off a long daunting task. Procrastinating this way will bum you out.

(If this were a joke it wouldn't be funny; however, it really happened to me while I was a student at UC Berkeley. I'm a champion procrastinator. I'd say I turned in 5% of my assignments on time. This led to fabulous fibs: my girlfriend in New York had cervical cancer, I needed emergency dental work to remove my impacted left third mandibular molar [be specific; when lying, it's the details that sell the story {and props help}], I once had a friend call [after last call], pretend to be me in a late-night panic attack and get me an extension on turning in the first draft of my history thesis. In short, if I could do anything later I would. It was after this last incident that my thesis adviser suggested I attend a workshop being offered on how to avoid procrastinating. The punchline: I waited too long to sign up, the class was full, and I could not attend the workshop).

Do the little things all the time.

When you're a SAHD you have to fight for your time.

The quick takeaway: Get a job, become immensely rich and hire a maid. Or make the best of your time by taking care of the little things whenever possible.

Getting Dressed

Tuesday, 09 December 2008 19:45

I did not stay at home today.

In fact, I'm in Seattle right now. The ability to do this is a luxury most SAHD's may not have. Fortunately, we have someone who cares for the kids while the wife works at home and that gives me a chance to network in the city. Case in point, I met the director of development at People for Puget Sound riding in the elevator and am meeting with the group this afternoon.

One thing being away from home allows me to do is put a little distance (ahem) between myself and the whole parenting thing.

I was talking on the boat this morning with a friend about my venture. There are others like it, Peter Baylies wrote the Handbook.

My perspective is slightly different. OK, a lot different. I'm a slouch. I've always been something of a slacker and really have a hard time taking things like jobs and personal hygiene seriously.

I found, though, that being a father is the one job you cannot quit. If my wife hadn't gotten me drunk that one night (now two) and taken advantage of me, I may not have ever had to discover this bracing fact. Alas, this is my fate, this is the hand I've been dealt. I can't fold.

Before you think me too much of an ass, let me temper the above by saying, I really really want to do a good job of this. It's important, and despite all the cynical drivel I spew, I like it. I mean there are those moments when you see your kid do something or say something fantastic and you think, damn, does that kid have great genes, or what?!

Writing about such pretty poignancy is not my forte.

That said, I know things. I've done this before and I know things the first-time dad might appreciate. Additionally, better dads than I might pick up a thing or two (shortcuts and/or a laugh).

To wit, another tip (I've lost count) one on getting dressed. I don't remember learning how to get dressed. I'm barely proficient at it now. Yet, I'm frequently called upon to put clothes on a three-year old.

This is a lot easier than attaching the first diaper after cleaning up the tar plug at the hospital, an act best left to filipina nurses who are far more adept than I. Not always having a filipina nurse around is a household deficiency which, sadly, I cannot rectify.

So, getting dressed.

First, remember the David Mamet acronym, ABC: Always Be Coaching (or something like that). You don't want to have to dress your child forever. Teach them to do it themselves. Our little one goes to preschool two days a week (not nearly enough, true). He puts his own shoes on there, but he still wants me to put them on at home. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to let him get away with this.

"Sleeve up, elbow down." Say it every time you take off a shirt. Eventually, he'll figure it out.

Teach left and right. The legs are going into pants, you might as well use that time to expand his knowledge base.

Make a donut. Y'all may know this one. Don't try to put pants on two legs at a time. Scrunch up one pantleg and create an easier target - the pantleg donut.

Ditto for shirt collars.

My boys got big brain-buckets, I don't throw the shirt over their noggins and pull it down from the bottom. I gotta stretch that head-hole out and squeeze their melons through.

When they're small, getting 'em clothed is even harder, it's like slipping pantyhose on an octopus. Plus, in the tender years you can't get away with kneeling on their chest to keep them still.

Maybe everyone else knew this stuff before they got into fatherhood and I just missed the memo.

One thing's certain, it's a tricky business and you want to do it as little as possible (OK, two things are certain).

The quick takeaway - Get a job, figure out how to do it better, or coach them on how to do it themselves.

I agree, this post's too long. There's probably a naked kid somewhere peeing in a corner.