Stay-at-Home Dad Survival Guide

Which Ones Are Cedars? - Chapter 1 of a novel I wrote while my oldest boy slept (and at other odd hours). Avoid reading it and crap like it

Monday, 08 December 2008 17:16

The first time I was a Stay-at-Home Dad and had more time on my hands, I started writing crap. At first it was just observations I thought were funny, then I got bored and turned it into a novel, a political thriller centered around the secession of The Western States of America. I've adapted the idea since and am publishing it here: http://rantdigseek.blogspot.com/.

Parenting and Revolution should not mix, but sometimes they do anyway...

The crappy first version is going here: http://themoonshakes.blogspot.com/

The lesson: Don't get distracted by crap. If you're ignoring the kid, sitting at the computer reading political blog crap or writing crap, the kid will start thinking the computer is more important to you than he is.

He will not like this and will act out in various ways to get your attention. This is not good, it is the beginning of his education in manipulating you. It will never end, you cannot stop it, all you can hope to do is contain it.

So, don't read my old crap. I'm gonna post it anyway cuz it helps me see how I can improve my writing and/or parenting. That was 2002-2005. This is 2008. I'm a different person, the world is a different place.

Kids...still kids...

Pay attention to them.

Think about what you want to read, write, do while you're engaged with the kid, then use your time wisely when they sleep or are being cared for by someone else.

In the long run you'll be more productive and the kid will be happier, better behaved. This, of course, is hopeful, if not downright wishful thinking, but at least you won't have a three-year old hitting the delete button while you spout nonsense.

Did I mention kids are wicked smart?

Through the Night (a poem)

Monday, 08 December 2008 17:14

Toddler awoken at 1:15

not unheard, not unseen

back to bed, close the door

a visit again at quarter to four

kicked in the back, sleep off track

remove his toe from my ass crack

this phase must stop, and soon I hope

exhausted, unrested, the end of my rope

reached beseeched cogency leeched

my mind's fertile soil

nocturnal interruptions roil

peaceful nights he does spoil

staggering off, my daily toil

hazy crazy mental mazy

this quest for rest I do my best

not much you can do

when your tormentor's two

seemless sleep, my daily dream

my kid it seems ain't on my team

Tip 3: Foster, Nourish and Cherish The Nap

Monday, 08 December 2008 17:12

Nothing is better than a good sleep. As parents of young children no one knows this better than you. It is vitally important to get the kid to go down during the day, at the same time every day, in the same way every day. I cannot stress enough how important routine is to the little buggers.

With the first one I would try to go out in the morning, a park, a playgroup, the library, anywhere different that would stimulate his senses and tire him out. Then I'd come home, make lunch and give him an hour of TV. Quesadillas, Dora the Explorer and by the closing credits of Blue's Clues I had the boy in my arms, stuffed lamb in his, and the crib waiting invitingly.

The post-meal food coma happens to them, too. Do this. The more they sleep the better, for them and for you. I'd try to take advantage of that time to write, look for a job or get some exercise (in the house [see reference to Child Welfare Services above] no mountain biking during nap-time). They will be better behaved, more cogent, and easier to get down at bedtime if they have a consistent sleep schedule. This ain't rocket surgery, but you'd be surprised how easy it is to slip up and give them some sugar or a Red Bull or simply lose track of time and miss the window. When they get out of rhythm they will be on their way to eschewing the siesta altogether, and that is a sad, sad day indeed.

Oh, and buy a pair of velvet slippers. Practice tip-toe-ing. Pretend you're hunting rabbit.

Weekends aren't weekends

Monday, 08 December 2008 14:18

Not as we once knew them.

 

When I was in college (Sentences that begin “When I was in college,” weary me.  I feel like the guy who starts every story, “OK, there was this time, and we were totally wasted…” [oh, wait, am I that guy?]), weekends started on Thursday.

 

You got a good jump on things, went down the hill, loosened the liver, stumbled to Friday classes, then did what college-age kids do on Friday and Saturday nights, which, since this is a family show, I’ll leave to your collective imaginations.

 

Sunday, you’d wake up, watch football, around 2:00 PM order a pizza, maybe pump for dregs to catch a shampoo buzz, then watch a movie, possibly study a bit and then sleep.  Not once did you wipe a three-year old’s ass.

 

Let’s say it once and be done with it, “Those were the days…”

 

Once again, guys, with feeling, “Those WERE the days…”

 

Gone.

 

You may do a guys’ weekend or some bachelor party debauch…pale imitations, desperate efforts to dabble in an irresponsibility far, far gone.  

 

Give up those childish ways.  Forget them.  Look to the future.  Maybe one day, you’ll be decrepit; you and your offspring will be unable to afford in-home care, so your son will be forced to take care of you, and will have to wipe your ass.  

 

Such thoughts inspire me to muddle on.

 

My weekends are gone.

 

During the week, the kids are in school, at least part of the time. You have a break. On weekends…no.  There may be soccer or t-ball, but that’s no real break. Weekends are rife with spousal disagreements over who has had more free time, down to the minute.

 

"You were in the yard from 10:35 until 11:50."

 

"Yeah, but you just shoved them in front of the TV. I haven’t logged on since 6:30!"

 

All this is futile. 

 

Your weekends are gone.

 

Accept it.

 

Move on.